Coming out of chemo and into two surgeries at the end of last year made any hope of memory impossible. Of course, I remember heart beats around certain days, or events, but it was like flipping a book with the crest of your thumb as fast as you can and trying to read each word. Winter is a blur. Oncology tells me “chemo-brain will affect you for a while, we don’t know for how long. And the menopause will be affecting your memory and focus too.”
Come January I finally had a second to stretch my body a little bit (very gingerly) on my yoga mat (gathering cobwebs) and realised I could not remember the majority of Christmas with family… we didn’t have a boozey one, and yet it was like I’d never been there. I burst into tears. The ‘chemo-brain’ really is a challenge when forgetting makes you hurt. But hey! I am halfway through January, and now I feel grateful for what I can recall. I remember an embrace, hugs, kisses and whenever someone held my hand.
If you can remember love, then you don’t need to worry about the rest.
I know I am fortunate for everything I have. Staring at yourself in the mirror, blotchy skin, yellow pallor, no eyebrows, scars stretching around your side, up into your arm, across your chest, I found myself often in tears just getting ready for bed. Of course I did. And then I would remember how lucky she is- that strange woman in the mirror. How loved. Gaining a little bit more strength every day.
Mid November 2025 was the first surgery (node clearance and breast re-construction) and mid December was the second surgery. The first surgery was hard, for many reasons, especially the drain they pack you off home with. I knew I’d hate that part!! But what I can say about it is this- you heal so much quicker than you think, and don’t underestimate it.
It is still surgery, it is hard. But you are not awake for it and they’ll give you everything you need on a practical level. The rest is you- Don’t rush yourself.
Be ‘lazy’, be mindful of how your body feels, if you need to cry it out, cry it out. And give yourself a break. This is your time. Slow yourself way down.
Try not to feel bad for depending on others, and asking for more.
Remember: Nothing heals faster than a boob!
Our bodies are incredible. My arm and back on the other hand have taken a little longer to recover, and rehabilitating it three times a day takes work. But you will get there.
I still can’t lift anything heavier than a bag of sugar (date sugar right…?) but compared with how I was just a couple of months ago, I can say that a recovery has happened very steadily.
Will you be as physically strong as you were before? Nope. Gaining that back takes time. But you’ve got inner strength to pull from.
But you will be pulling on your own coat and going out in the world again, before you know it.
C A K E Y T I T S 
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